Boxcar Babes
By Diane Neil, High Desert Branch
The back story
Did you happen to watch the Grammies? I did. I watch all those award shows. I record the whole thing, Red Carpet arrivals and all. Then I take a few evenings to watch it. I don’t care who wins or loses. I just love the drama.
When they announced the winner of the hip hop metallic album of the year, I could hardly believe my eyes. With the laser-blue lights flashing and the audience screaming and stomping, the Boxcar Babes sauntered and oozed onto the stage, the men grabbing their crotches, the women’s bouncing boobs exceeding nudity laws, and all of them sporting tattoos and body piercing.
The woman with the purple spike hairdo caught my attention. She was the one who was handed the Grammy. When she brandished it overhead and yelled into the mic, I knew for sure that was little Gertie Gutmyer, the bane of my five-year stint as a high school guidance counselor.
“This is for all you losers out there!” she rasped. “Never let anyone tell you, you won’t make it!” She glared into the camera, and I swear she was directing her venom specifically at me, sitting in my jammies on my own couch, miles and states and time zones away.
“Oh, Gertie!” I moaned. “How I tried to rescue you and set you on the right path. How I pleaded with you to come to school, get your diploma, and do something positive for society.”
The truant officer and I joined forces and worked mightily to keep Gertie and her gang of juvenile delinquents in school. He was always down at the abandoned boxcar where they had their ragtag band trying to haul them back to school. But when they hit sixteen, all bets were off. Poor old Joe Napper quit and became a dog rescuer. That was the same year I had my nervous breakdown and became a Tupperware® hostess.
Lost in my reverie, I didn’t hear the rest of Gertie’s speech. But it must have been something powerful, for the whole audience stood up and gave her a five-minute ovation. Later, on the “Tonight Show,” Gertie was talking to Jimmy Fallon about the upcoming world tour for the Boxcar Babes. I switched channels to a facelift infomercial. Somehow I couldn’t face another glare from Gertie Gutmyer.
“Boxcar Babes”
originally appeared in the March 2017 Inkslinger,
newsletter of the High Desert Branch.